Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
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Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer