“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
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Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
? 💀
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators