Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
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I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Am I having a stroke?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.