As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I didn’t come here to be called names
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Good dog. ❤️
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have