Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
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I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE