i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
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I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists