*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
You Might Also Like
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
2022 will be better than 2021