[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
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I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
How to wake up a Beagle
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing