How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
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[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.