People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
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“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix