Me when my alarm goes off
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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
hey, alexa
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest