Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
You Might Also Like
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.