*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
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Light as a feather, smorg as a board
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
your honor my client chooses dare
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?