emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
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Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands