depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
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Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit