My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
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Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.