[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
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Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
gentlemen, hear me out
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.