PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
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Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful