Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
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Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.