I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
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He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like