Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
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How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I like crazy people until they notice me
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Harsh but fair
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day