Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
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There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Love is in the air fryer.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I like long walks away from everyone
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I have many caverns
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.