I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
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I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
The morning after pill, but for tweets
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.