Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead