CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
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My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?