What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
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me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.