Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
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If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
your honor my client chooses dare
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys