wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
You Might Also Like
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Oh yeah that’s it
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
britain’s three elite institutions
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I saw this ending much differently.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.