My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
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vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.