Yes, but it was never about money
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My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables