[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Ha.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
😂 amazing answer
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.