[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.