Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo