4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
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I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Beards are a privilege, not a right
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.