St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
The photographer’s assistant
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.