Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
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You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*