Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
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Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.