I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
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Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
💯😂
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.