I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
This will never not be funny to me.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”