No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
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ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
If only.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.