[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do