“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
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Cool shirt 🙂
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders