Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
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Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Dead sexy!!
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
You wish you had this many chins.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
consequences, the bane of my existence