You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
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what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!