WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
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scared to check what name she chose
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.