“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
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Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
A drum solo but on your face.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.