9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
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GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Wait a minute
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.