Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
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My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.