They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
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Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
bout dat hot dog summer
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.