I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
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stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!